One-Eyed Monster (2008)

2015 #121
Adam Fields | 80 mins | streaming | 1.78:1 | USA / English | 18 / R

Sometimes, I swear off consciously watching any more likely-to-be-bad movies. And sometimes, I just feel like attempting something like One-Eyed Monster. And this is why: it’s actually pretty fun.

I have been known to suggest in my reviews of films that the writers/producers/whoever surely came up with a title and then tried to base a film around it. I imagine that’s actually the case fairly rarely. Here, however, I feel certain that’s what happened. For the innocents among you… well, maybe you should stop reading now. For the slightly-less-innocent, “one-eyed monster” is a euphemism for a (whisper it) penis. It also contains the word “monster”, like, y’know, a horror movie. What if you made a horror movie where some chap’s one-eyed monster was a monster?!

Someone probably felt very pleased with themselves when they had that realisation.

I suppose it follows that the chap in question should be a porn star. I don’t really know why it follows, but somehow it seems natural. The storyline, then, concerns a bunch of porn stars and their small crew travelling to a remote cabin to shoot their latest masterpiece, only an alien lightning bolt (or something) strikes leading man Ron Jeremy (the real-life porn star playing himself) and turns his penis into an evil entity that starts killing people.

Don’t worry, it is a comedy.

Perhaps the first thing to say is that, despite the setup and star, this isn’t actually a porn movie. People assume it is — even the BBFC (who’ve definitely watched the damn thing) hide it behind an age barrier in the euphemistically-titled “adult” section of their website. Anyone looking for those kind of kicks is going to be disappointed, although there’s still plenty of vulgar and crude dialogue to justify its 18 certificate. In actuality, it’s mostly above using “we said a rude word!” as a ‘joke’, which is one positive it has over many more mainstream ‘comedies’.

Indeed, the film as a whole is more fun than it has any right to be, but almost as much as you might hope for from such a silly premise. Okay, perhaps the acting isn’t up to much… or possibly they’re playing it really deadpan. Maybe both. I actually found that side of it very amusing, but I guess some people just see it as crap acting. Either way, there are some genuinely very funny bits. I laughed out loud more than once, which is more than I can say for many a more slickly made comedy.

Look, One-Eyed Monster isn’t any kind of high art, nor is it really an undiscovered masterpiece of the comedy-horror sub-genre. It’s only really scary if you have a (frankly, irrational) fear that you might get strangled by a sentient dismembered member, but it is funny, and those with the right kind of sense of humour (and/or stomach for such things) could find worse ways to spend 80 minutes.

3 out of 5

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