The Record-Breaking Monthly Update for April 2018

While Infinity War sets about breaking box office records, I’m breaking some of my own…


#58 Paddington 2 (2017)
#59 The Director and the Jedi (2018)
#60 The Hurricane Heist (2018)
#61 The Hitman’s Bodyguard (2017)
#62 Baywatch Extended Cut (2017)
#63 Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995)
#64 Knocked Up (2007)
#65 Logan Lucky (2017)
#66 American Psycho (2000)
#67 Zathura: A Space Adventure (2005)
#68 Shockproof (1949)
#69 Das Boot: The Director’s Cut (1981/1997)
#70 Geostorm 3D (2017)
#71 A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
#72 The Karate Kid (2010)
#73 Princess Mononoke (1997), aka Mononoke-hime
#74 Witness (1985)
#75 Muppets from Space (1999)
#76 Fight, Zatoichi, Fight (1964), aka Zatôichi kesshô-tabi
#77 When Harry Met Sally… (1989)
#78 Identity (2003)
#79 American Assassin (2017)
#80 Call Me by Your Name (2017)
#81 The Room (2003)
#82 The Disaster Artist (2017)
#83 Killing Gunther (2017)
#84 The Snowman (2017)
#85 The Death of Stalin (2017)
#86 Yes Man (2008)
#87 Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
#88 New York, New York (1977)
#89 Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle 3D (2017)
#90 Wild Strawberries (1957), aka Smultronstället
Logan Lucky

Princess Mononoke

The Room

Avengers: Infinity War

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  • I watched 33 new films this month — more than one a day, on average (and that’s not counting my rewatches).
  • More importantly, that means it passes October 2015 as my Best. Month. Ever!
  • Obviously that means it affects a bunch of stats: it boosts the April average by more than two films, from 10.0 to 12.1; increases the rolling average of the last 12 months by over a film-and-a-half, from 15.2 to 16.8; and makes the 2018 average-to-date surge by three-and-a-half films, from 19 to 22.5. If I maintained that average all year, my final tally would be 270!
  • Building on a decent-to-strong first three months, #90 is also the furthest I’ve reached by the end of April (the previous best being #88 in 2016). I should definitely cross the #100 mark next month, therefore, likely on the earliest date I’ve ever reached it.
  • One record this month didn’t achieve: the earliest I’ve reached the three-quarters point. I watched #75 on April 16th this year, but in 2016 I was there on April 8th.
  • Over a third of this month’s viewing was films from 2017 — 12, to be precise. (Once upon a time, 12 total would’ve been a really good month.) And that’s even with going through a 13-film stretch in the middle where I only watched two films from the whole of the 2010s. It was a really big month, basically.
  • Downside to all this: I now have a backlog of 90 films waiting to be reviewed. Ninety! When I started that “coming soon” page it was because I’d reached the terribly high backlog of ten.
  • This month’s Blindspot film: the shortest film on this year’s lists, Ingmar Bergman’s Wild Strawberries.
  • This month’s WDYMYHS film: the longest film on this year’s lists, Wolfgang Petersen’s Das Boot: The Director’s Cut.



The 35th Monthly Arbitrary Awards

Favourite Film of the Month
Maybe I’m still a bit caught up in the hype, but I reckon the film I most enjoyed this month was Avengers: Infinity War. After reading glowing reviews before seeing it, I went in with tempered expectations — at this point I’ve seen plenty of Marvel movies that I felt had been overrated by early buzz, starting with the very first, Iron Man (I wrote about that in my review, even. I also said “what it most resembles is a great TV pilot” — oh, little did I know how relevant that view would become!) But Infinity War, while not perfect, did put a smile on my face.

Least Favourite Film of the Month
You may’ve noticed in the above list that I watched The Room this month, the cult favourite “worst movie of all time” that has been described as “the Citizen Kane of bad movies”. But, as the fact it has a fanbase will attest, that film actually has considerable entertainment value, and so it didn’t even come close to making my five-strong shortlist for this Arbie. No, I’m going to give this (dis)honour to Geostorm, which is certainly trash but can’t even manage to be entertaining trash.

Longest Slog of the Month
The director’s cut of Das Boot may be three-and-a-half hours long and have bits I’d’ve cut back, but overall it’s a quality work. I wouldn’t say the same about New York, New York. It’s not often one cites a Martin Scorsese film as the worst of something, but, out of all 33 films I watched this month, perhaps the least enjoyable overall experience was slogging through those two-and-a-half-hours-plus-six-minutes-and-thirty-seconds-beyond-that. Sometimes watching on DVD has its advantages: without PAL speed-up it would’ve lasted another six-and-a-half minutes.

Best Storm of the Month
Storms were everywhere this month, be they of the world-threatening “geo” variety, or a hurricane so bad you could carry off a massive heist during it, or merely one that strands a bunch of strangers at a motel with a serial killer (in Identity). There may well have been some smaller ones I’ve forgotten, too. Anyway, for the sheer volume of wind and water being chucked around — and because it was the best part of the movie — this month’s best storm was definitely the one that enabled The Hurricane Heist.

The Audience Award for Most-Viewed New Post of the Month
Sometimes reviews posted right near the end of the month don’t have the time to pick up much attention, even when they’re of new releases. Not so with this month’s victor, Avengers: Infinity War — in its first day it gained almost six times as many hits as the second-place post (The Hurricane Heist) had in three weeks. As of midnight on the 30th, it’s already my 8th most-read film review of all time.



Another slightly lighter month means I’ve now slipped back to being merely on-target with my Rewatchathon. Still, that’s not really anything to complain about.

#14 Shrek 2 (2004)
#15 Mission: Impossible II (2000)
#16 Liar Liar (1997)

Despite my predictions last month, I didn’t rewatch any Marvel films before Infinity War in the end. I did get back on both my Shrek and Mission: Impossible rewatches, though. Indeed, my rewatch of Shrek is now complete, because the first two were the only ones I’d previously seen.

M:i-2 was part of my 100 Favourites series the year before last, but I hadn’t actually watched it for a decade or more. Consequently, after this rewatch I spotted a couple of errors in my 100 Favourites post… which I’ve now fixed. Anyhow, I stand by my assertion that its qualities are undervalued — I wrote a bit about them on Letterboxd.


Don’t call it a comeback — I’ve been here for years. I’m rocking my peers, puttin’ suckers in fear, makin’ the tears rain down like a monsoon. Listen to the bass go boom!

Deadpool 2, ft. badblokebob the duck

Geostorm (2017)

2018 #70
Dean Devlin | 109 mins | download (HD+3D) | 2.40:1 | USA / English, Cantonese, Russian, Hindi & Spanish | 12 / PG-13

Geostorm

Geostorm met with widespread derision when it hit the big screen last year, but, despite the many negative reviews (it has just 12% on Rotten Tomatoes), I heard someone say it was actually an entertaining popcorn blockbuster. I forget who that was, sadly, because they were wrong. Very wrong.

Set in the near-ish future, it’s about a giant weather-control system installed in orbit around the Earth that begins to malfunction and cause disastrous freak weather events, which have the potential to build into a so-called “geostorm” — a devastating planet-wide weather fuck-up, basically. And there’s only one man who can stop it… despite the fact he’s not been involved with the system for about three years and during that time it’s been successfully run by a massive team of no-doubt-highly-skilled people.

A lot of films of this type start out okay and get dumber as they go on. Geostorm hits the ground running with shit dialogue and nonsensical plot developments — I’d list some, but God, there are far too many for me to bother. That said, here’s my favourite: when someone advises the US President that they’ll need to send a whole team with various skills and abilities to fix the malfunctioning global satellite weather control system (because, you know, that must be a pretty complicated set of interrelated systems, and no one knows whether it’s software or hardware or whatever else), the President decides they’re only allowed to send… one person. And it isn’t even a specific person who he thinks is a whizz — his next instruction is “find me that person.” And everyone else in the room seems to think this is a reasonable course of action. I mean, there are no words for that kind of stupidity. Well, maybe “Trumpian”, but the film isn’t presenting it as satire. And, as I said before, there’s already a massive staff up there running operations — why would the President not assume the one person with the specific skill-set needed to diagnose and fix the problem is already up there? How do people get paid to write crap this stupid? How could any self-respecting writer generate this?!

From their expressions, I presume they're reading the screenplay

Well, quite frankly, I’m not sure Geostorm was even written by a writer. Exhibit A: About 56 minutes into the movie, one character says “it’s bigger than you and me”, and a supporting character corrects him: “you and I”. But “you and me” is grammatically correct in that situation. Any writer worth whatever you get paid for writing a $120 million movie should know that, ergo there can’t’ve been any writers involved. Or, yeah, the writers who were involved were really, really, really shit. They should be ashamed of themselves.

The film is littered with faults, minor and major, that draw attention to themselves like this. Apparently the original cut received poor reactions from test audiences, leading to extensive reshoots, which I imagine explains some of the inconsistent crap that goes down during the film’s finale. (Spoilers follow, should you care.) One of the significant establishing traits of the film’s primary hero, Jake (Gerard Butler’s character), is he has a daughter who he loves very much — there’s an emotional scene when he leaves her to go off to the weather satellite, and so on. But later, when he has just minutes to live, he seems to have no pressing desire to want to talk to her. He just tells his brother to stay in her life — which the brother wanted to do anyway, but earlier Jake had been stopping him. Written like this that almost plays like character development — how he’s accepted his brother again — but that’s not how it plays out.

Gerard Butler, thwarted by another door

Oh, but it gets worse. (More spoilers!) So, the station’s commander departed ages ago with the rest of the crew, leaving Jake alone to fix the problem and then die when the station blows up anyway (don’t worry about the logistics of that, the film doesn’t). But then Jake gets stuck when he has to… open a door. And suddenly the commander’s there, and she knows what to do to… yes, open a door. So that means she’s been hiding out somewhere on the station, making sure Jake doesn’t see she’s still there, until that precise moment when he needs help… to open a door. Oh, and then, by total chance and plot implausibility, they actually survive the destruction of the station, and get in a satellite and use it to return to Earth. Not an escape pod, a satellite. Why does a satellite have enough empty space to carry two people? There’s no way you could answer this stuff.

Some people, even including some filmmakers, seem to think critics and “pretentious” filmgoers slag off movies like Geostorm based solely on the genre or concept or some other fundamental characteristic. And, yeah, there must be some people who won’t give certain genres a fair shot; but that’s not widely the case, as the praise attracted by better blockbusters proves time and again. No, films like this get slagged off when they’re shittily made. Geostorm is shittily made.

1 out of 5

Geostorm featured on my list of The Five Worst Films I Saw For the First Time in 2018.